The girl who made 'Food' a 4 letter word
by TripWire- dono
Summary: If you love a Church in Soul Society? Then you're gonna love this one! sit back and laugh cruelly as our favourite Shinigami's gripe and take on Orihime's food! CRACK FIC BOTTOMS UP!


**Disclaimer: Don't own Bleach...but it's never too late!**

**HAH! Another CRACK FIC!! I spent the entire day writing this in my fanficion booklet. If you loved a Church in Soul Society?? Then you are gonna like this one.! ENJOY!**

**Thank you to all my lovely reviewers from my other stories:**

**xXHitsuxSakuXx**

**iWeasel**

**Vintage-Smiles**

**Sakura Angel 4eva**

**scarletmirror**

**MiniSaki265**

**akatsukisprincess1cc**

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"Whadaya mean there's no one else to cook for us?! Yelled Ichigo.

"ACK! All the shops closed down because a strike took place. Something about Occupational Health and Safety issues." Said Renji.

"You're serious? Every single one?" said Ishida.

Ichigo', Renji's and Ishida's face drooped hopelessly. There was no food. None of them knew how to cook for shit or know anyone else for tat matter. Worst of all. They were starving.

The working force of Rukongai held a strike. They claimed that they were working in hazardous conditions. Even Aizen's Betrayal had a strange effect on the citizens. There was less patrol on districts because the shinigamis were reassigned to look after Seireitei. So they left their patrol duties. When the citizens found out there were no more shinigamis around, they started to mug people, steal rape and cause trouble and chaos. As revenge, they organised the protest.

"Umm…why don't you go ask Orihime to cook for you?" asked Rukia. She just left the 13th squad building and found the trio looking so glum and crestfallen. Now they all turned to her with horror painted on their faces.

"You seriously think we will let her cook for us?!" Ichigo's eyes bulged out of his head.

"The same girl who BURNT SALAD on Tatsuki's birthday?" Renji's Ponytail swished behind him.

"Have you seen her try to fry and egg? IT LOOKS LIKE HAND TO HAND COMBAT!!" Ishida's glasses were tittering off the side of his face.

"She that bad?" Rukia asked in wonder. Honestly she had no idea.

"She's a bonified Poisons Specialist and she doesn't even know it…" Renji sighed.

"Hello everyone!"

Everyone took the moment look into Matsumoto's happy face. She grinned from ear to ear and her assets looked defiantly healthy too. At a safe distance away was her taichou Hitsugaya Toushirou. He looked bored, quite disturbed, angry, grumpy and worried all rolled into one.

"Gosh you all look down in the dumps, have you heard the news?" She asked.

"Yes we have and that is why we are down in the dump." Sid Ichigo referring to the protest.

"God I haven't even eaten in three days, now my stomach thinks this is a stick up!" yelled Renji

"Hey Hitsugaya Taichou, what happened to your finger?" asked Rukia. She indicated to the index finger, which was sandwiched between two paddle pop sticks. It was bound by medical masking tape and was throbbing along just nicely.

"Oh, this? It's just a reminder that my finger is sprained"

"Why don't you go see Unohana taichou?" said Shuuhei who just popped out of nowhere along with the ever insomniac Kira.

"She was the one who sprained it" said Hitsugaya monotonously.

OO

"Don't ask, long story."

"Anyway, Hi Shuuhei, Kira!" Beamed Matsumoto.

"Hey"

"Sup?"

"I have come up with the perfect solution for this famine…I invited Orihime to cook for all of us!"

The world crashed down all around them. They were officially dead. What have they done to earn this death wish? Hitsugaya's eyebrow twitched violently. Renji's tattooed eyebrows looked about ready to fall off. Ichigo's hair drained itself of its colour. Ishida's glasses cracked out of the echo of the words. Shuuhei's scars started to trickle blood Kira looked like a tank hit him and Rukia just stood there confused.

They were goners. Stone dead. Nirvana bound. Knocking of St Peter's door.

xXx

The atmosphere was like the medieval dungeons, shackles and all and the people invited were on death row. Matsumoto that traitor. She captured anyone she can find. Yumichika, Ikkaku, Ichigo, Renji, Shuuhei, Kira, Rukia, Ishida, Hitsugaya, Hinamori and Hanatarou, all waiting for their fate. If they get back, Matsumoto's backside is going to be tattooed of their footprints for life.

Ichigo's knuckles turned white from the death grip on the tablecloth. His eyes dated around frantically.

"Steady man…" Renji comforted.

They heard the opening of kitchen doors and braced themselves.

"Alright everyone dig in!" chimed Orihime. She set down a plate of…something that should be censored, alien life, something found at the bottom of the authors left shoe. There were a few things that looked remotely familiar, sandwiches, meat, egg and what not. Yumichika's eyes watered heavily.

"THIS IS BEYOND UG-" Ikkaku rammed his elbow into his gut to shut him up. Everyone switched his or her faces to 'emotion reduction' out of politeness. Orihime whipped out her tongs and ladle ready for murder…sorry, I mean 'service'. She picked up Shuuhei's plate and his face paled.

"So Shuuhei san what would you like?"

"Umm…some that orange stuff"

"Ah! The green beans!"

"GREEN BEANS?! They look more like…never mind" he slumped back into his chair.

"Umm…Orihime, we'll serve ourselves okay?" Rukia said kindly.

"Okay, I better go clean the kitchen" with that she left.

"ITADAKIMASU!!" Matsumoto started shoveling food into her mouth by the kilo.

"Another mans' poison is another man's meat" grumbled Ikkaku.

"Oh Hanatarou please revive my liver…" said Ishida.

"Umm...I'll see w-what I can do..."

"Ah! There's a good idea lets sit next to Hanatarou. Maybe he'll pump out our stomach for us" said Ichigo. He got up and sat on the right side of him and Renji followed and sat on the other side.

"Umm…are you s-sure you w-want to be s-seen with m-me? Hanatarou stuttered. His eyes darted from left to right.

"You think I wanna be seen with him?" Ichigo pointed at Renji. "The guy eats with his fingers."

"I can't let then eat alone" replied Renji. He kept munching on his unharmed carrot stick.

"Hey! If you scrape the black stuff off, there's toast underneath!" exclaimed Kira. Pointing to the bread roll with his knife.

"These eggs have certainly been through hell" said Hinamori.

On the other side, Hitsugaya was struggling to use his cutlery. It fumbled in his hands over and over and it was really pissing him off, royally. He frowned every time his fork clattered on the table.

"Well here's an advantage in having a bum finger. You can't pick up a fork." He said coldly.

"You don't have to. The food comes when you call it" grumbled Ikkaku.

"EVERYBODY HOLD IT!"

Everybody stopped what they were doing and stared at Shuuhei with confusion. His eyes were wide and fearful. His hair was standing on end. There must be something really scary to have irked a fuku-taichou to start with. The answer is undeniably on the table.

"One of the sandwiches just moved"

Ishida and Rukia stared at the plate of sandwiches.

"You think she forgot to walk today's lunch?" Ishida asked Rukia sarcastically.

"Now that's disturbing…"

On the other side, Ichigo and Renji frowned at their plate disgustedly. I mean who isn't?

"My mash potato is like quicksand!" spat Ichigo.

"It **IS** quicksand. My fly sank in it. I threw it an udon but I was too late." Mumbled Renji.

"Doesn't she know soup is not a solid object?" growled Hitsugaya.

"Yeah, the gravy improves as you get to the bottom. I can cut it with a knife!" she answered.

'GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR'

'What the heck was that? Said Hitsugaya.

"That was my stomach. Sobbing" said Rukia.

"Ugh! What's in the tea? This rotgut just burnt a hole in my stomach!" Kira yelled. He held his cup as far away from his as possible.

"Ewww…please stop pushing that vile liquid in my face Izuru, thank you" spat Ishida.

"What did Orihime put in this anyway…?"

"The less you know the better Kira kun" Hinamori comforted.

"You're right. This brew will stiffen anybody's upper lip".

"Hey Yumichika, what do you think this blob over there was in its past life?" Ikkaku asked lazily.

"How should I know? WW2 surplus?"

"Nah, we're not that lucky"

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING RENJI?? Slap the food onto your own damn plate!" shouted Ichigo.

"Nah, you need to eat more if you don't wanna make Orihime cry! Besides my fork already went over the hill!"

"That's just too damn bad! I haven't even go the strength to stick my tongue at you!

Ichigo and Renji continued their squabble and were dumping 'food' onto each other's plate. The sight would've looked comical if everyone weren't so sick, excluding Matsumoto. In the middle of the duel, a slab of liver thing went flying and landed with an audible 'pat' onto Rukia's plate. She started poking it like a surgeon would probe at his patient.

"This liver smells horrible…" she said.

"That's because it's fish, not liver" said Hitsugaya nursing his bum finger.

"Well this fish has got liver problems!" she huffed.

"OWWW!"

"Are you o-okay Hinam-mori san?" Hanatarou inquired worriedly.

"I'm fine Hanatarou Kun…it's just that the only way to serve these meatballs is with a Ping-Pong paddle". She held her jaw in her hands and pushed the plate away.

"Yeah, and with the sushi we can play handball with" contributed Ikkaku.

"Hey Shuuhei, want some of this? Yumichika pointed with his chopsticks at a bowl of bubbling black gruel that was emitting red smog. God did that just turned him off for life.

"Gulp first off, what the fuck is it?"

"Ambush Stew. It will attack you when you least expected"

"Uh…it's okay, I'll just hold my stomach" his face turned putrid green to sickly blue. The colours changed alternately every time he thought he saw a hand come creeping out of 'Ambush Stew'.

On the other end of the table, Ishida was sweating badly and he was shivering involuntarily. His eyes swiveled around the table wild and crazed.

"Ishida san, are you okay?" asked Mr. Doom & Gloom, Kira **(A/N: no offence Kira fans)**.

"S-somet-thing in the s-s-sandwiches just l-looked back a-a-at me…" he stuttered.

"That's it, my stomach's throwing in the towel", Hitsugaya declared. He pushed back his seat and crossed his arms, careful not to damage his already damaged finger.

"But taichou! You hardly ate anything!" Matsumoto wailed from her 7th plate.

"I don't need to consume anything here to fell physical, emotional and mental pain" he retorted as his head lolled back and closed his eyes at the ceiling.

Suddenly there was a chuckle coming from Ichigo's direction. Everyone looked up from his or her muck or whatever you want to call it I don't care, to stare at him weirdly. A smirk slowly spread across his face and his eyes looked darker. Another chuckle escaped his lips.

"C'mon man spill, I wanna get a good laugh about something apart from what's on my plate." Said Renji annoyed.

Ichigo picked up his fork and stabbed it into his hunk of liver/fish. He brought it up to the light and stared at it in wonder, looking like he finally discovered what the hell it is. The smirk on his face grew. People were getting freaked out round about now.

"I know how to win the Winter War…we invite the Espadas over for lunch"

o.O

Renji smirked as well, an animalistic one. His tattoo eyebrows look more insane by the second.

"Sure, whatever leftover there is, we'll bomb Hueco Mundo."

Everybody nodded in agreement. This was a terrific idea. Hitsugaya taichou was planning to send the instructions over to Yamamoto Soutaichou soon. There was 100 chance of success. If the food doesn't get to them, the diarrhoea will. **These shinigamis and a Quincy have found new respect for Orihime's Art of Cooking. **Suddenly they heard the kitchen doors open. There stood lo' and behold, speak of the devil…the infamous chef herself, in the flesh. She was pushing a trolley with something on it. Her face was bright and cheery despite the smoke alarm going in the background and the number of lives she endangered.

"Guess what guys! I have just come up with a dish that I know you'll all going to love. It's really special because I just came up with it in the last minute!"

(Insert drum roll and the cawing of a crow)

"RACK OF SPAAAAAAAAAAAM!!"

"PARK IT HERE ORIHIME!!" shouted Matsumoto with equal enthusiasm.

**Or not…**

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**YAY! This one-shot is for all those who love cruel humour! I hope you enjoyed it.**

**READ AND REVIEW! TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!!**

**JA NE **

**Bourbon **

"


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